Shree

I watch Max attack Kelly. It’s kind of a weird feeling, to see one of your best friends attack your ex-girlfriend/doctor while you’re naked in your apartment and there’s a baby in your microwave. Yeah, it’s weird. Trust me on that one.

I’m in a state of shock; I mean, I don’t know how any of this happened. Why anyone’s here. But I’m not doing anything.

Kelly’s shouting at me. Shree help, help. Like somehow this thing is all my fault. That bitch needs to learn that not everything in this world is my fault.

So I decide to just sit there and watch this amazing spectacle. Kelly’s punching and kicking the shit out of Max, but he’s being surprisingly resilient. This is a change for him, since he’s generally the biggest wimp around. Anyway. He’s got that new knife of his, and apparently he’s not afraid to use it. I mean, he’s stabbing her with all his strength. I’m surprised at how he’s hanging in there. After all, Kelly is one tough bitch. I sure as hell wouldn’t want to get in a real fight with her.

But eventually, it caught up with him.

While he’s stabbing her repeatedly, she some how got the chance to start doing that poking shit. I guess it really does work, because the next thing I knew he was on the ground. He looked unconscious and seriously hurt.

But I wouldn’t exactly say he lost the battle. Not entirely. Because right before she poked him, he gave her one last stab. In the throat.

So there I am, still smoking a cigarette. Two of my best friends are lying on the ground in my apartment after beating each other silly. I don’t know what to make of the situation. Although I suppose I’m not really trying to make anything of it.

And that’s when it hits me. My message to the world.

Everyone can fuck off.

I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I don’t give a fuck about Max and his pedestrian rights and the Kill Baby Club and his baby-eating rhymes. I don’t give a fuck about Kelly and her antique car and SMIC and her baby-hunting routine. Hell, I don’t even give a fuck about that innocent baby that’s probably going to rot to death in my microwave. And most importantly, I don’t give a fuck about Raina.

I’m going to leave now. I don’t know where I’m going or what I plan on doing. But I’m going outside. And I’m going naked. Because I’m realizing, in the midst of this madness, that there is an opportunity for me: an opportunity to start anew, to become my own person, free from the selfish demands of everyone. Because what I’m realizing, now more than ever as I watch these bumbling buffoons create a blood bath in my apartment, is that I’ve been a sucker for selfish people all along. They all have their own agenda, and they don’t give a fuck about anyone else. No matter how ridiculously stupid their agenda is.

As I walk to the door, ready to exit to begin my new life, I look down.

Erection.

Nice of you to join me, Mr. Happy.

So I walk outside, standing tall. In more ways than one.