Shree

It’s official: Max is the most annoying person on the face of the planet.

So I’d just sent him an e-mail. You know, telling him I just wanted someone to talk to. Really, writing the e-mail was kind of therapeutic for me. I didn’t care too much if Max actually got it, since talking to him is often like talking to a brick wall. I don’t even know why I sent it.

Anyway. Back to why Max is such a fucking dumb ass. Let me describe the situation that I was in when I got really pissed off at him.

I’m just lying in my apartment naked, sleeping, after Raina left me for not being able to get a hard on. And all of a sudden there’s a loud buzzing sound.

It was the intercom. Apparently I had a visitor.

I didn’t bother answering it. I was still pretty groggy, as I had fallen into a deep sleep. And besides, anyone who I’d want to see knows that this is one fucking shitty apartment, and that the lock just doesn’t work. So they wouldn’t have to buzz. The fact that they’re buzzing must mean that they’re a stranger. And I didn’t feel like talking to strangers.

The next thing I know I hear loud footsteps running up the stairs. Sounded like galloping. And even though I was half asleep, I knew one thing: there’s only one person in the world who sounds like a horse when he runs. And that’s Max.

The thing that really pisses me off the most is that Max has been to my new apartment a bunch of times. I even showed it to him a couple of times before we actually moved in. We even talked about how the locks don’t work, and how that’s really shady.

And this motherfucker still spent time buzzing the hell out of the intercom. Being his friend is like a full-time job. It really is.

Well sure enough, Max comes barging through my door, sweating like crazy. I’m trying to ignore him --to continue sleeping -- but it’s hard when he’s running around your tiny apartment. I was naked, but I didn’t give a fuck. If he didn’t like my body he could take his uninvited ass outta here.

So I look at him and I see what resembles a baby in his arms. At first I thought I was tripping or something like that. I mean, Max is a guy who hates babies. He really does. So the idea that he’d have one with him is kind of bizarre.

But then he did something that, when you think in the context of Max, actually makes a lot sense.

He put the baby in the microwave.

So essentially, here’s what the deal is: my live-in girlfriend has essentially dumped me because I’m impotent. I’m broke and living in an unfurnished apartment. And one of my best friends, a maniac who thinks all babies should be killed, storms into my apartment, sweating profusely, and puts a baby – god knows where he got it from – in the one thing I actually own: a microwave.

So I stand up now, still wondering what the fuck Max is doing. I tried asking him again. “Dude. What the fuck man. Why are you here. And why is there a baby in my microwave.” He had a knife out now – a little dinky piece of shit. At the time, I really had no idea what was going on.

He actually started to explain why he was here with a baby, but he was interrupted by someone storming into my apartment.

It was Kelly.

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And that brings me to where I am now: in an apartment with my good friend, my ex-girlfriend/doctor, and some baby that’s now hiding in a microwave. Keep in mind that none of these people were invited.

And I’m naked.

I pull out a cigarette and look at the two of them. Someone has some explaining to do.