Maxwell
Upon being abruptly abandoned by my friend Shree, I ventured to a local army store in search of an ideal tool for self-defense. For after the debacle at the Rivington, it became all too apparent that my art, rife with a rebellious ideology, would not be tolerated. Not being one to compromise my moral convictions for the sake of popularity, I decided I had no choice but to arm myself: the close-minded, conservative, anti-progressive individuals of society apparently felt it was appropriate to assault me, so I must be prepared to defend myself against any future violent attacks.
In accordance with my newly formed strategy, I entered the army store and quickly scanned its product line: an assortment of knives, all varying in size and shape; a number of sprays designed to blind attackers; a vast array of firearms; and a small sampling of weapons of every kind, ranging from those utilized in guerilla warfare to high-powered automatic long-range projectile devices. In light of my limited budget, I purchased a small knife, with a blade approximately four inches in length. I planned to practice it frequently, so as to become an expert knife wielder. From here on, I proclaimed, my capacity for hostility would exist beyond the realm of verbal trickery.
The night had arrived, so I decided to retire to my apartment – an abandoned factory warehouse I’d been squatting in for seven years, thus entitling me legal ownership of the facility --for the evening. The following day would be one of the biggest of my life: the Kill Baby Club, an organization that I founded and preside over, an organization to which I have dedicated my life to, would be holding a press conference, followed by a interview session. The Kill Baby Club was growing rapidly, and was finally becoming a voice demanding social recognition. In time, I believed, the ideology of the Kill Baby Club would be accepted and embraced by the world, and I would be viewed as a messianic savior.
Following a hearty meal of rice and beans and a good night’s rest, I nervously exited my apartment in the morning and headed to the KBC headquarters, located several blocks away in a neighborhood that was known for being dangerous, to say the least. It was primarily an industrial area; civilian activity was relatively uncommon, and commercial transactions rarely extended beyond the realm of drug sales and prostitution. In any event, however, the headquarters was my pride and joy: thanks to member contributions, we had managed to secure it just several months ago, and already it was the site of our first press conference. We were moving up in the world, as the media was coming to us.
When I arrived at the building of our headquarters, I was surprised to see a small clan of individuals outside, parading signs and chanting denouncements of the Kill Baby Club. I was surprised at the number of individuals who had ventured out into the industrial territory upon which the KBC headquarters rested. Apparently these people were passionate in their opposition to our altruistic movement. I thought of starting a fight with these short-sighted imbeciles – I thought of speaking my mind, of justifying the ideology – but I opted not to, in light of the fact that I was already slightly late to the press conference, and did want to run the risk of failing to maximize this public relations opportunity.
So accordingly, I entered the headquarters in typical fashion: sporting a plain white t-shirt, faded and ripped black jeans, and a thin beard resulting from negligence rather than aesthetic strategy. My mission here was to serve the KBC, not to draw attention and elevated social status to myself.
The conference was ready to go as soon as I entered. The media was there, ready to latch onto my every word. There were columnists, anchorpersons, and photojournalists from a variety of local media institutions, all clearly poised and eager to listen intently to my words and ask questions when the time arose. Frankly, I must admit that the ambience was a bit intimidating. The entire scene was an impressive sight, and I knew it would be a big test: a test to see if I could successfully champion the cause of the KBC.
I stood behind an old, rickety podium – one I had found on the street several weeks earlier – and spoke through a microphone. Behind me was a large poster board, covered with a purple veil bearing the logo of the KBC.
I took a deep breath. So far, everything was going according to plan. It was now time for me to deliver the most important speech of my life.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It’s a pleasure to be with you today.
For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Maxwell Virgo, and I am the president and founder of the Kill Baby Club. The Kill Baby Club, as you probably already know, is an infantile organization dedicated to developing and sustaining a successful population control policy, in addition to radically altering the collective human culture so that the notion of life as a permanent fixed cost is not simply dismissed as cruel and heartless, but embraced as a morally and logically sound ideology.
The media apparently found my introduction to be alarming in some way, as I could hear some of them talking amongst themselves. I found this to be a bit disconcerting: the purpose of the press conference was to discuss the KBC, and these people were clearly disrespecting me through their mindless chatter.Nevertheless, I continued.
The Kill Baby Club is beginning its fourth year of operation, and member contributions and enthusiasm are paving the way for change. Over the past year, we’ve gained enough revenues to secure this office, where our staff of dedicated volunteers develops marketing propaganda, conducts public relations, and brainstorms for new ventures. And within the coming months, I’m pleased to announce that the Kill Baby Club will launch its own apparel line. We expect our apparel line to increase our revenues substantially, which will enable to us to enjoy exponential growth. Controversial as it may seem, the movement to end human life is gaining steam.
I removed the microphone I was speaking through from its stand, and walked around the rickety podium I was standing behind. The time had come for me to make my contact with the audience more direct.
But now I’d like to switch gears a bit, and discuss recent events that have caused the Kill Baby Club to experience unprecedented levels of publicity. On July 7, just over one month ago, a hospital was set on fire. Over 60 million dollars in damages were rendered, and over 35 patients and hospital employees were killed. An additional 100 were injured.
In the weeks following this destruction, the Kill Baby Club praised the event as a divine blessing. Aside from parents, the KBC believes that doctors and other medical practitioners who dedicate themselves to saving the lives of “innocent” people in an overpopulated world are perhaps the leading source of the troubles facing humanity.
I have one point to emphasize: we support the destruction of the hospital, and hope to see more of such events in the future. We do not, however, affirm or deny any involvement in these criminal acts. We do profess to being an organization of radical outlaws, but we do not intend to make all of our activities public information.
In conclusion, I would like to spend some time justifying the rationale of the Kill Baby Club.
I turned to my assistant Jose, and signaled for him to unveil a large poster board with critical scientific data noted upon it.
There are certain facts about our universe:
One. Energy is necessary for human survival. Energy facilitates transportation, ensures good health, and either directly or indirectly enables the vast majority of recreational and vocational activities our society undertakes. Clearly, there is a positive correlation between energy and both the quantity and quality of life.
Two. Contrary to what modern and “progressive” economists may tell you, energy is a derivative of limited resources, which in turn implies that energy itself is limited in supply. The resources that create energy – fossil fuels, oxygen, and water, to name a few – are limited, and are vastly being depleted.
Three. The rate of energy consumption is dependent upon two factors: the number of entities utilizing energy and the quantity in which they utilize it. Since we have already stated that human beings depend on energy for survival, we can thus deduce that the more human beings there are, the more energy will be consumed. In light of the appalling condition we have allowed our energy resources to diminish to, limiting human population is necessary for sustaining energy reserves. This is absolutely necessary if the universe is to survive.
I looked around. The audience was engrossed in my speech. It was, undeniably, a success.
That is the primary motive for supporting life-ending initiatives. We also believe that overpopulation fosters economic inequality and an undemocratic society.
I will now be entertaining questions.
I was quite surprised at how rapidly the mood changed: cameras started flashing immediately, people started moving around, and hands flew up instantly out of an eagerness to ask questions. There were three reporters who were particularly inquisitive:
- A reporter from Outlaw magazine, a small monthly publication with circulation reported at approximately 7,000. She was quite well-dressed, and conducted herself with an utmost level of professionalism.
- A columnist from The Daily Gazette, the new burgeoning local newspaper. Given that the paper’s audience was limited in size, his questions were given the least priority.
- A correspondent from the local news program, Oakland 7. This was key: a television appearance could do wonders for us. This man was my top priority.
I informed Jose to accurately record the entire question and answer session. I wanted to secure myself some legitimate defense in the event that information resulting from questions was either fabricated or taken out of context.
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Oakland 7: I have two questions: first, does your strategy involve killing people, and if so, when will you stop?
Maxwell: Our strategy is to reach an optimum human population size for the entire globe. Currently, the estimated number of humans inhabiting planet Earth is estimated to be in the vicinity of 6 billion. There is no doubt in our minds that this number is too high. It should be halved. Accordingly, we will continue to grow and take action until a public policy has been instituted. We favor governmental restrictions on reproduction, such as those introduced in parts of China. We think even stricter regulations should be instituted on the global level.
Oakland 7: That doesn’t answer my question.
Maxwell: Next please.
Outlaw: Hello Mr. Virgo. Since your organization is known as the Kill Baby Club, do you advocate killing babies only? Or all humans?
Maxwell: We advocate the killing of any human being. Our rationale is that we’ve got twice as many people on this planet as we should, so we need to get rid of a whole bunch of people ASAP. We call ourselves the Kill Baby Club because we think it’s kind of funny. A joke, really. It’s all --
Outlaw: Whoa, hold on. This is a joke to you?
Maxwell: Well, it’s not entirely –
Outlaw: That’s…that’s…that’s….I don’t even know what to say. That’s disgusting.
Maxwell: Can I finish? Can I finish?
Outlaw: Go ahead.
Maxwell: I’m finished.
Daily Gazette: According to your logic, shouldn’t you kill yourself?
Maxwell: Then who would orchestrate the movement? Next question.
Daily Gazette: Are there any particular economic policies you advocate?
Maxwell: Yes. Thank you for asking. Next question.
Oakland 7: What would you like to see the government do?
Maxwell: That’s an excellent question, and I’m particularly pleased you made such an important inquiry. Legal reformation is at the core of the Kill Baby Club’s strategy. We definitely would like to see a slew of new taxes. Corporate taxes, that is. We feel as though the government should heavily tax resource extraction, particularly resources that are already very low in supply. In order to prevent the development of an overly large and bureaucratic government that might result from excessive taxation, we’d like to see a cut in personal income taxes, especially for lower tax brackets. Economic equality is important to the Kill Baby Club, as it has been proven to be correlated with improvements in education. The KBC has a vested interest in societal education, as we feel quite confidently that an educated society wouldn’t be making babies if they knew what the result would be.
[Cameras flash and indecipherable chatter occur for approximately 30 seconds.]
Maxwell: Is that it? Any other questions? Okay then, I guess that wraps it up. Thank you all for attending. Please feel free to contact us at any time. We look forward to communicating with the press extensively in the future, so we welcome all interviewers. May the population diminish exponentially. Goodbye.
After the press conference, I went to the office portion of our rented space to begin working on our budget for the upcoming fiscal year. I had allocated myself a salary of $8,000, which should be more than sufficient in light of my humble lifestyle. With the remaining $18,932.45, I decided the funds would be divided into three categories: apparel manufacturing, which would in turn be sold at a profit to members and possibly outlet stores; investment in advertising, so as to generate additional membership and revenue from clothing sales while also developing the KBC brand name; and finally, a portion dedicated to further developing any militant actions we may decide to undertake.
So I sat there, diligently assuming the task of fiscal budgeting, happily whistling my favorite tunes. I logged onto my computer – an archaic piece of technology desperately clinging to its robotic life – to check my e-mail. A message from Shree awaited me in my inbox.
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: Shree
> To: Maxwell Virgo ;
> Sent: Saturday, March 9, 2002 5:59 PM
maxwell.
whats up. i need to talk to you. shits gone down.
raina came back. she was crying and said she wanted to get back together and that she didn’t know why she left because even though there are problems theres still too uch love. she asked me how i felt and i said i still loved her. yes i actually mustered up the courage to tell her that. so we tried to have sex.
it ddint work.
she left. she just got up and left. without even saying a word. and this time i think she’s gone for good.
i have no idea what to do with myself. dont tell me to kill a baby because thats not going to solve anything. i have no idea what to do. life sucks. my options are either to chase this fat bitch and become her slave or live alone and with the pain knowing that i love her but cant have her. all because im coimgn up limp.
don’t be afraid to stop by anytime. or even call. i wno’t freak out, even if you call my cell.
peace
shree
My initial thought was one of horror: my dear Indian friend Shree was in need of consultation. He had turned to me in his hour of need. I vowed not to let him down.
I shut down my computer and exited the office complex. I began the long trek to Shree’s apartment, equipped with little more than my new knife.
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