Kelly

So I’m in my friend/patient Shree’s house now. I just ran here. Shree’s standing here naked, I don’t know why. That fucking asshole who fucked up my car is standing in front of me too. He’s still wielding that short, dinky little knife.

But none of that really concerns me. Because I’m looking for a baby. And it must be somewhere in this apartment. I’m looking around, and I don’t see much of anything. Except a microwave.

So needless to say, this experience is pretty fucked up. So I gotta step back and pause. Collect myself.

The question that’s running through my mind is how. How this all got started.

************************************************** *****

I guess in some strange way it all began that day Shree stumbled into my office, looking like a bloody mess. That guy has some issues in his life, for sure.

“What happened to you?” He was stumbling around all over the place in my office. Luckily there were no other patients, otherwise it would have created quite the scene.

“Got in a fight at the Rivington.”

“What were you doing there?” The Rivington definitely was not the kind of place a guy like Shree should be hanging out. It was more about hip hop than poetry, and the environment could definitely be pugnacious at times. But I guess Shree knows that by now.

It was about closing time for me, so I was the only person in my office. I quickly went back to one of the patient rooms and got a wash cloth to help wipe the blood off his face. His lip was cut, but it didn’t look too bad. A lot of blood, though.

I put my hand on Shree’s shoulder. “Come on. Let’s go back to the patient room and I’ll check you out.”

So we went back to one of the rooms so I could see if Shree had suffered any serious damage. “Sit up on here,” I said while patting the patient bench.

Shree sat up there, still nursing his mouth with the cloth I gave him. I searched his face for any signs of serious external damage. From what I could gather, he looked okay; just sort of roughed up. “Open your mouth.” He opened wide and I took a peek in. His teeth were doing fine, and his gums didn’t look too shaken up either.

“I think you’re okay. But you might want to go to a dentist anyway.”

“Yeah I feel okay. Just a little shaken up.”

I was curious as to how this all happened. I’ve known Shree for a while, and he’s not the kind of guy to start a fight with anyone.

“You ever meet my friend Max?”

“No.” That was strange. I thought I knew all of his friends.

“It was his idea to go. God that guy’s a fuckin’ moron sometimes. Nobody there likes him, and he knows that. So we get there and the motherfucker pulls out a chess set and wants to play a game with me.”

“You mean right there at the club?”

“Yeah. I know. I didn’t feel like arguing with him, so I agreed. Anyway, it pissed off some of the people there, and Max is kind of a passive aggressive guy in many ways, so he ended up getting his clock cleaned. I tried to break it up, and I got punched in the face anyway.”

A big bruise was definitely developing on the right side of his face. “Yeah, it looks like you’re gonna wake up with a nice shiner tomorrow.” It wasn’t going to be pretty.

I did some other preliminary checks on Shree, since he was in the office and I thought I might as well. He had this concerned look on his face, so I asked him what was up.

“I’ve just been having some problems with Raina.”

“What kind of problems?” Shree never just came out and said what was on his mind. You kinda had to drag it out of him.

“It’s kind of a strange problem.”

“You don’t wanna talk about it?” I’m not sure if I wanted to know about all his problems with Raina. She didn’t really like me.

“Actually, since you’re a doctor, you might be able to help me out.”
Now I was definitely scared to continue with this conversation. He’s got a problem with Raina, and it’s a medical problem. I hope to god it wasn’t a sexual problem.

“What’s the deal?” I tried to act calm and casual, like I really wanted to know.

“It’s going to be really weird telling you, since, well…you know.”
Once he said that, and said it in his usual indirect tone, I knew right away where this was going. This was definitely going to be one of those weird, fucked up relationship problems. And now I was going to get dragged into it.

You see, the real problem here is that Shree and I used to go out. We dated for about a year and a half. This was before I realized that I’m into girls. But I’m not a lesbian, and I hate it when people automatically label me one just because I’m sexually attracted to girls. It’s not that simple. The truth is that I feel like I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body. I like a lot of stereotypically masculine things, like football and cars and beer. But it’s more than that. Lots of girls are like that. It has to do with the way I’m sexually attracted to women. First off, appearance definitely matters to me a lot. A lot lot. And the other thing is, lots of guys look for a mother figure in a woman; the kind of woman who will take care of them and tell them what to do. And strangely enough, that’s the kind of girl I’m attracted to. I want a mommy, I guess.

So really, I kinda think of myself as a heterosexual man. Kind of. I don’t really like any kind of labels though. I just am what I am.

I never wanted a sex change – it just seemed didn’t seem like the right thing for me. But I really don’t want to be categorized and stereotyped as a lesbian. So I actually started an organization. It’s called SMIC. Straight Men In Chicks. It rhymes with chic. Yeah, I know it’s putting a label on myself. But I realized that if you want to get recognition, if you want people to to listen, then you’re going to have to label yourself. People want to know what they’re dealing with.

Since its inception two years ago, SMIC has actually become fairly powerful. You’d be surprised how many people feel the same way I do. This organization has kind of become my baby in a way. I’ve grown and developed it, and I’m pleased to say that it’s helped a lot of “women” feel more comfortable with who they are.

But anyway. Back to Shree. When he told me he was moving in with Raina, I was kind of surprised. I mean, I never thought he could really love a woman. He’s definitely got some strange relationship issues going on. We went out for over a year, and he never even tried to have sex with me. It made me feel really insecure in a way. I would always have to initiate things sexually. And for the first whole year of our relationship, he did pretty much everything he could to avoid sex. He’d always be the one to stop, and lots of times he just gave off this “don’t touch me” kind of vibe. We finally started having sex, but looking back I can say it definitely ruined our relationship. I hate to sound like a nice Christian girl, but it really did. We just kind of fell apart without any real falling out. So we eventually broke up and decided to stay good friends. That’s how I ended up being his doctor.
Since we didn’t really talk about our relationship after we broke up, talking about his situation with Raina now would be strange. But maybe it’d be healthy for our friendship. And he was looking really troubled, so I thought I should at least try being helpful.

“It’s alright. Just tell me. I promise I’ll be supportive.” I was trying my hardest not to fidget.

“Okay.” He took a deep breath, preparing himself to speak up. He was really emotionally reserved, so I knew this was hard for him. “I’m not able to get an erection anymore. I really want to have sex, but I just can’t. And this is pissing Raina off.”

My first thought was that this is a psychological problem. I mean, there are definitely a few screws loose up in that guy’s head. I wanted to tell him to go see a shrink, or maybe a sex therapist. But is there really an easy way to say that? I don’t know how wise it is to tell a friend who’s exposing himself to you that you think he’s crazy.

But since he brought it up anyway, I thought I might as well speak my mind.

“This might sound crazy, but I’m thinking the problem might be in your head in some way.”

He didn’t say anything, but I wanted to keep going to see if I could help him out. “Can I ask when you started having these problems?”

This time he responded, but he was still looking away. “See, that’s what I find kind of interesting about the whole thing. I mean, the month before we moved in I was really stressed. You know that, I was whining to you like everyday. Me and Raina were both really busy, so we just didn’t have sex, really. But the thing is that I was still getting hard ons. You know, like when I was just sitting around fantasizing. But then as soon as we moved in…nothing. We tried to have sex, I just couldn’t do it.”

I started pacing around. This was interesting. I’ve heard of this kind of thing before. “Lots of times impotence is just psychological. The fact that you couldn’t get erections as soon as you moved in with Raina does seem like a strange coincidence. Perhaps too much of a coincidence.”

I walked over to my file cabinet, which contained the files for all my patients. I pulled out his file and looked it over, searching for something that might be a clue. “To tell you the truth, it might be a subconscious thing. Like deep down you’re afraid of the commitment involved with a live-in girlfriend, so you can’t get an erection.”

He didn’t say anything. That made me feel really weird. He always did shit like this, even when we were going out. You couldn’t talk to this guy about anything.

Finally, after a long silence, he spoke. “Yeah. Maybe.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just kept shooting out ideas, even though most of what I was thinking I knew would be really weird to tell him. “Or it could be that you feel really secure with your relationship. There’s been documented evidence that when guys enter a stable relationship, their testosterone levels drop. There’s a relatively new field of science known as evolutionary psychology that says this drop in testosterone is nature’s way of getting men to stop ‘horsing around,’ and trying to stick their penis in anything that walks. Kind of a lesson in commitment, so that they can raise a family and do stuff like that.”

“Those are two opposite theories, don’t you think?” I knew Shree, and that was his way of saying he didn’t like my ideas. But hey, he’s the one who started this conversation.

Truth is, I still cared about Shree. A lot. I want him to be happy, and I kinda wanted him to get through his relationship issues, profound as they were. Plus he needed to learn to open up. He really did. So I continued with the topic. “How do you feel about Raina?” I clicked my pen and started writing things down in his file.

“That’s the thing. I love her, but…hey, what’re you writing?”

I knew writing stuff down would get him upset. He’s really suspicious in a way, even though I know him pretty fucking well. It pissed me off sometimes. “Relax, Shree, I’m just taking notes. Medication might help you, and if you want help, then I’m going to need to document your whole condition.” I continued writing.

He paused for a second. He was clearly angry, in his passive aggressive way. But finally he started talking, which was a good sign. “I love Raina. I definitely love her. But there are problems in our relationship.”

I looked up at him. I didn’t say a word, though. I was thinking that Shree didn’t really know what love was, and that he was self-unaware and lying to himself in many ways. There’s just something about him that feels off. I guess the best way I can describe it is that he’s one of those guys that you had trouble imagining having sex. And the way I saw it, that’s because he’s got some issues he’s running from.

I could tell he was trying to figure out what I was thinking, since I was sitting there silently. But eventually he moved on and started talking again. “I guess she’s more into commitment than I am, though. Like she wants to have kids. And she wants to have them now, which really freaks me out. I mean, I don’t know if I want to have them ever, but I know I definitely don’t want them now. I’m just not ready. And frankly, I don’t think she is either. We just moved in, I don’t even have a job, and both of us have enough difficulty taking care of ourselves. We don’t need another responsibility.”

That answer really disappointed me. I’m completely single now, but I know I want kids someday. And if I can’t find a man, I’ll do it on my own. Life is the most precious thing in the world. That’s why I became a doctor. So when someone starts acting like it’s a responsibility instead of a precious gift…well, that kind of hurts me in a way.

The whole issue was beginning to depress me, and it was clear that there was no simple solution to Shree’s problem. So I decided to change the topic to something a little more optimistic. “Hey, did you see my new car?”

“You bought a new car? When was this?” I usually talked to Shree once every few weeks, so I guess he was surprised that I hadn’t mentioned something as big as a car purchase to him before.

“It was pretty much a spur of the moment thing, Shree. I just saw this baby on the road one day, and…well I just had to have it.” I started walking towards the exit of the office, motioning him to follow. “Come check it out.”
We went outside and there it was: a 1959 Oldsmobile. Mint condition. “This baby has under a thousand miles on it,” I said while gently tapping its roof.

“Holy shit girl, how much did you drop on this?”

I splurged. I admit it. But I thought I’d let him take a stab at it anyway. “Guess.”

“Thirty-five grand.”

“More. Keep in mind it’s a mint condition antique. You’re not gonna see too many of these puppies ridin’ around town.”

“Seventy.”

“Seventy-five.”

I could see he was jealous in a way. He had issues with material security, I think. “But it’s on a payment plan. I’ll be paying this off for like twenty years.”

He was still upset, and I was feeling guilty, in a way, even though I went to medical school and earned my money while he sat around and smoked weed. But I was still feeling guilty, so I wanted to do something nice for him. “Hey, wanna take it for a spin? You can drive it to your apartment. I’ll come with you so I can drive it back.”

“You sure?” He said it in his typical voice of uncertainty. He was never enthusiastic about anything.

“Yeah, it’ll be fun. Let’s do it.” I tossed him the keys and started walking to the passenger door of the car. You really had to force him along sometimes.
So we started driving to his new apartment. I had been there a couple of times before, back when he was still checking it out and was looking for a second opinion. The place sucked. Big time. I mean the landlord was an asshole, and both the locks to his apartment building and to his own apartment inside didn’t work. I told him I thought the place was shady, and I knew he agreed. But he got it anyway because Raina wanted it.

“This car’s really become my pride and joy. I wash it like everyday. It’s great, it really is.”

He kept driving along, not saying a word. I was really, really worried that he’d fuck it up in some way. He’s a pretty bad driver. God, I nearly had a heart attack. Stupid me for letting him drive the damn thing.

Anyway, I think his mind was still on his impotence. God that must suck. I can’t even imagine how bad the situation he’s in must be.

I suspected him and Raina weren’t really communicating too well on the matter, since she’s kind of a hostile bitch, and since he communicates about as well as a quadrapelegic Helen Keller. So even though I didn’t want to, I brought the topic up again. He needed to talk about it with someone. Plus I wanted to try to persuade him to change his mind about babies. If that was the real psychological fear behind this, maybe he should change his attitude and morals.

“It’s kinda weird that Raina’s getting so pissed off about this.” I was really nervous talking about this with him, especially in the close quarters of a car. Sometimes I wish I didn’t care about his problems. Life would be a lot easier if I didn’t have a conscience.

“I don’t think so. I understand exactly where she’s coming from.” Wow. That was about as direct as he’s ever been with me. So that meant something was up. It meant Raina getting pissed off was an issue in a way. His problem probably had nothing to do with masculinity, and even less to do with sex.

“Do you think she’s upset because she really wants kids now?”

“Haven’t we been through this?” He started accelerating the car. If he ruins this thing I’ll fuckin’ kill him. Limp dick or not.

“It just seems that the real issue here is that she wants kids now and you don’t.” There. I said it. I was sweating up a storm in here because of all the anxiety.

He hadn’t looked at me once since we started talking. He just kept his eyes on the road. He continued to accelerate, and was pretty much tailgating the guy in front of us. My heart was going a mile a minute.

“I’m sure that’s part of the issue.” Classic Shree response. As a general rule, the guy didn’t lie. But he sure as hell was skilled at dancing around the truth.

He was pushing 65 now, and we were going through a 35. “Could you slow down a little?”

He looked at me. That was shocking enough. And then he slowed down. I mean he really slowed down. I think we were going like 20 miles an hour.

What a bitch this guy was.

The conversation was getting too tense for me, so I started looking outside, letting my mind wander. I remember seeing a big white tree, probably around a hundred feet high. That tree will always hold fond memories for me. It was under there that Shree and I first had sex. After we did it, I came back late at night and carved, “Shree loves Kelly” into the tree. Such a silly girly thing to do, I know.

Anyway. We were about to get to his apartment, and I could tell by the mood he was in that he wasn’t going to invite me in for tea and biscuits. So I decided to just speak my mind. “Look Shree, I think at some point you have to decide what you want out of your relationship. You’re saying you love Raina, and if you really do, don’t you want to have a family with her? Take part in the joy of bringing a beautiful new baby into this world?” I paused, like I was waiting for him to say something. I don’t know why, because it would’ve floored me if he actually said anything.

So now we had this awkward silence between us.

We pulled up to his god awful apartment building. He had to be regretting signing the lease to this place, especially since Raina and him were having problems now. Boy, she really kept him on a tight leash. She really did.
Anyway. He seemed pretty intent on getting out of the car and back to his shitty pad. So he put the car in park and unlocked his door. “Alright, Kelly, thanks for the ride and the check up. I’ll give you a call sometime.” He was about to open the door and exit without even looking at me.

I put my hand on his thigh before he could get up from the driver’s seat. “Do you know what I do every Sunday morning?”

“Yeah. Church.”

“After that.”

He sighed. “I don’t know. What.”

I go around to Orland and Fifth and search all the trash cans and dumpsters. Do you know why?” I knew right away I shouldn’t have phrased it that way. He hates being talked down to.

He didn’t say anything, so I continued. “I go down there to search for abandoned babies. That area has had more reports of abandoned babies than any other region in the world.” I really wanted him to care about what I was saying. I wanted to tell him all the facts about baby abandonment:

• 105 infants were abandoned in “public places” in 1998 alone. 33 were found dead.
• The number of abandoned babies has almost doubled over the past ten years.
• The increase in baby abandonment has caused many legislators to push for legalization; Minnesota and California are considering introducing “baby chutes” – public depositories where mothers can deposit unwanted babies.
• 35 states already allow mothers to relinquish their babies to authorized personnel within a certain time frame after giving birth.
• Texas allows mothers to anonymously drop off unwanted babies at certified institutions– thus ensuring they receive no penalty whatsoever for their horrendous and blatant disregard for the intrinsic value of life.
• In recent history, mothers have committed such horrific acts as drowning their infant children in toilets and throwing them in public trash cans.
• Needless to say, the encouragement of baby abandonment completely disregards the father’s paternal rights, in addition to hindering movements towards adoption.

“You do?” He stifled a snicker.

“Yes. Because I know how valuable a human life is, Shree. And I know that starting a family can be a great joy.”

He looked at me like I was crazy. Then he started reaching for his cigarettes. Fuck. I didn’t want him to smoke in my car. No way. So I decided to end the conversation there. Besides, it didn’t seem like he was willing to learn any kind of a lesson.

“Alright, well, I guess I’ll see you later. But call me if you ever want to talk about it.” He got out of the car. After he lit his cigarette. Asshole.

“Alright. Thanks for all your help. I’ll give you a call later this week. We can go to a bar or something.” He wasn’t going to call. He was kind of flaky about shit like this. I don’t know why. It kind of bothered me.

I started driving back to my home, but the end of my conversation with Shree left me feeling really unfulfilled. Well, that’s not really the word I’m looking for, but I guess it’ll have to suffice.

Anyway. I started driving down to Orland St. It was getting late, which meant that the area would be sketchier than usual. But I was really in the mood to try to find a baby tonight. It’s a really rewarding feeling, to save someone’s life. It makes you feel like your own life is kind of justified. And not to mention you become a hero in the eyes of the public. A big star.
I’ve been doing this baby searching routine for over a year now. Me and a few girls from my Church. Of course I’m the one with the most passion for it, as I’m the only one that’s been out there pretty much every single Sunday. So far, I haven’t had much luck. I found one baby so far, and it died on the way to the hospital. But it was a good feeling, knowing that I almost saved someone. Got me a mention in the local newspaper too.
So I pull up to a few of the dumpsters and start looking. I really shouldn’t have come down now, since the area was shady and my car was fucking hella hot. There were a bunch of homeless people looking through the dumpsters too, searching for food.

“You got any money to spare?” A homeless guy said to me. I’m a sucker for the homeless. I really am. Unless they radiate alcohol or drug use, I’m liable to toss a couple benjamins their way. I’ve done it before. Much to my regret later.

“Yeah sure.” I dug into my pocket and pulled out a few dollar bills. He flashed me a toothless grin and walked away.

I continued searching for a while. I wanted to search longer, but there were a bunch of rats in the dumpster. I’m sorry, but I can’t handle rats. So I had to jet.

I was about to get in my car when my cell phone started ringing. I pulled it out and it indicated that the call was from Shree. I didn’t feel like talking to him now, especially over the phone. That guy was a horrendous phone talker, and the fact that he was in a bad mood wasn’t going to help. So I let it go to voicemail.

Of course I checked my voicemail right away. “Kelly it’s Shree. Sorry for bein’ a dick tonight, just got a lotta shit on my mind. Anyway call me back whenever you get this I need some advice. Peace.”

I got in my car and revved up the engine. I thought I’d call him the next morning. At the time I just wanted to go for a ride.