Man, some folks just can't catch a break. And by "some folks," I'm not just talking about innocent kids in Iraq, 9/11 victims, or folks fraudently arrested for defending the Constitution.

I'm talking about venture capitalists.

The first blow that struck was an assault from Forbes magazine. This didn't even show up on my radar, as mainstream media is so yesterday. The new game is social.

But the venture capitalists got all riled up about. Peter Rip shot back.

Not so fast, said Jason Kolb. Kolb delivered the biggest smackdown thus far -- see our previous coverage.

While the venture capital community was still reeling from Kolb's smackdown, I decided to kick a man while he's down and give 'em a little beatdown as a part of a larger beatdown I dropped on all of web 2.0.

I thought things had bottomed out after that. But boy, was I wrong.

Because then Umair Haque dropped the mother of all hate bombs on the venture capital community.

Don't believe me? See for yourself.

It was brutal. The highlight reel:

Here's one of the most common complaints you'll hear from a venture investor: the big banks aren't interested in taking startups public anymore, and the IPO window's closed. A clear signal that the capital markets are broken is being broadcast - and instead of seeing a crystal-clear opportunity for reinvention, venture capitalists see an immovable barrier?

Haque starts with the most obvious blow. A conservative choice on his part, as we all know it's true.

It's a tough problem - but most venture funds haven't even tried most of the emerging solutions (here are some: turn goods into services, amplify scarcity, and democratize pricing). What does it say whena band - Radiohead - is better able to break new ground in developing business models for public goods than venture investors?

Oh schnap. The Radiohead diss. Haque scores again, and his blows are becoming more lethal.

Discovering new sources of advantage. Most venture capitalists accept the orthodoxy that sources of advantage are fixed - and that's the single biggest mistake they make.

Surely by now, the VC's are bloody, downtrodden, desperate for Haque to stop.

But that ain't gonna happen.

Haque concludes his assault with a fatal blow, the knockout punch:

If venture investors can't solve problems like these - are they obsolete? Probably. That's because in a radically decentralized world, anyone can invent tomorrow's industries and markets.

Ouch.

Finally, in capitulation, Fred Wilson, my boss, sang us the valuation blues, freestylin' on the new valuation horrors this economy has brought him and his peeps.

Fred's my boss, so I gotta help him out. After all, if he's out of a job, I'm out of a job.

So here are some thoughts on solving the problem.

1. Funds may benefit from thinking of themselves as a central bank with a diversified holding of international currencies, purchased for stability reasons.
2. Their currency portfolio is then turned into an index that is traded. You can think of it as an ETF.
3. Each note of the ETF is used as the currency by which all assets in fund are priced against when doing valuations.

After we do this, we create an exchange where funds can partner with funds they trust to create a place where they can trade their ETF shares. We then need a governing system that establishes and enforces, to the best of its capabilities, the rules of the exchange. I think this will lead to a world in which the governance system is also used to establish technical standards that will enable data portability for users, which we've discussed before.

My business will eventually lead me down this path, so I'm all for it. I'll tell you I was born to do it! Though I say that all the time, as I try to do only things I was born to do.

But There's a Problem, Kid Mercury.....

Yes, I know. Acknowledging this possibility acknowledges acceptance of how massive the problem is and how even more massive the solution is. And we're not allowed to talk about these problems. We're supposed to be slaves.

Suit yourselves, then, to each their own. I was hoping venture capitalists could become venture conspiracists, not venture cowards. I asked you to sing a song supporting conspiracist Marc Andreessen. I asked you to sing for Fred and Mikey to give truth a chance (though I should note Fred totally won that beef.....I dropped the ball in communicating that lyrically. I blame on my co-writer John; he wants to emphasize peace and Truth, I'm always trying to steer it towards being about the beef because I think that's funnier).

But here's another one everyone is supposed to sing, it's my latest jam. Check it:

Proud to be a Conspiracy Theorist

LOL, I really like it. It started out as a joke, although then it became a serious song. Strange how that happens. Or maybe not: after all, where there's humor, there's truth!

I dedicate "Proud to be a Conspiracy Theorist" to the venture capital community. May you use this song to find within you the courage to embrace the Truth that sets you free.

I can honestly say it is the most important message I have ever delivered to you.